Mount Olympus and the Meaning of Grace

I gave a talk today in church on the home and shared this experience that Bryan and I had while hiking this summer.
    

     Bryan and I hiked Mt. Olympus a couple of weeks ago.  We read some about it, not a lot, not enough.  We got took our one bottle of water each and started on the trail early that morning hoping to avoid the heat.  Well, it was a strenuous hike, much harder then we were expecting and longer than the book had said, and remember back a couple of weeks ago-there was no way to avoid the heat.  We made it to the top and took our pictures but I had an appointment in the early afternoon and the trail was longer than they had said in the book. We tried to save our water but we needed it in the high temperatures and sunshine and on our way down it was soon gone.  Our muscles ached and we were so hot but we didn’t have time to really stop because of my appointment.  We just kept going. A little over ½ the way down in a little shady bower a couple was sitting.  They asked us if we had enough water.  We lightly said, "Oh, we’ll be fine" and started  up again when the man stopped us.  He must have noticed our beet-red faces and looks of exhaustion. “I’ve got a surprise for you”.  He handed us two still partially frozen bottles of water and juice.

     The couple wasn’t that young and they didn’t look like super-athletes but they had carried up bags of bottles to stash on the trail and give to people to help them on their way. It couldn’t have been easy for them because we thought the trail was hard without hauling heavy bags. They said that they were so bad off their first time that they always bring up water to help others now.  We were so grateful.  We really were in a little bit of trouble and might not have made it without their help. When we left I called back “thank you, this is like heaven” but I don’t think they knew how literal I was being and what I also thought was "you just showed me the meaning of grace". I miscalculated and made a stupid decision but I was trying my hardest and they just gave me that enabling power (of rehydration) to help me finish. There was no judgment there, no harsh recriminations on our poor preparation, or humor at our expense – just relief, understanding and help.

          I hope that my home can be like that cool, shady bower: a place of grace, a place that my children can stop at and know that we can help them back on their way.  They might have done something a little stupid without realizing the consequences, they might just need a rest but they will know they have a place of refuge, they know they will be loved and they know we will try to help them in the best way we know how.  I also hope that our example and our home will help remind them of their heavenly home and their Heavenly Father and their Brother and his atonement.

           As Pres. Monson said “A home is much more than a house built of lumber, brick, or stone. A home is made of love, sacrifice, and respect. We are responsible for the homes we build. We must build wisely, for eternity is not a short voyage. There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live not only influence the success of our earthly journey, they also mark the way to our eternal goals.”

    

Half Way There

     Here is where I am spending my afternoons lately.  I have hit Day 15 out of 30.  Hurrah!  This is Andy - He helps me get set up, along with Matt and Shane. They are very nice. Sorry about the bright light in the background but you get the idea. I lay down with my head on the personal mold and grab those 2 rods at the top.  The wedge at the bottom is for my knees so I can be a little more comfortable. The cross up above in the ceiling has a little red laser light beam.  There are also lights on each side.  The line these up with my 3 little tattoos.  They also have 3 cameras that watch me and make sure I don's move. (I moved my upper arm once and they made me do the CT scan over -lesson learned) 
     First I go in the machine for a CT scan.  It double checks that the machine will give me the radiation in the right spot. They tell me that they want to be exact to the millimeter.  After they scan and get it all set up then I get radiation in one direction and then I go through once more and get radiation from the other side. It really should only take 15 or 20 minutes but it always seems to take longer.
     I asked if the machine had a nickname but they said no so I decided to call her Toni the Tomo machine.  I have known a few Toni's. They are usually cranky just like this Toni.  They usually tend to be chain-smokers too, but luckily I have never seen this machine smoke.  She does seem quite menopausal: She is moody, she likes to have the room kept really cool or she gets overheated, and she never seems to have enough energy.. It always seems like she is having a problem. (I apologize to all Toni's who aren't like this).
     Let's just say that I can't wait until 3 weeks from now.

The Hike Up Mount Olympus

     Oh, this was another exhausting one for us.  The guidebook said 6.5 miles but I believe the sign at the start of the trail which said 7.  In that 3.5 miles going up you climb almost 4200 feet, an average of over 22% incline.  We were also on a time constraint so not a lot of time for resting. Oh, and did I mention that the weather was in the 90's on our way down and there was not much shade. We really needed lots more water.
     There are a switchbacks on the first half of the trail but after that there are a lot of rocks.  I think they decided it was easier to just climb up the trail using the rocks then try to build a trail across them.  Probably true but there were times that Bryan and I seemed to need to rest every 30 seconds.  I would look up for a nice stopping point or goal point but the trail of rocks just kept going unceasingly up. We finally made it to the nice shady saddle near the top.  We took a little rest and then headed up the rocky top.  No real trail here.  The rule of thumb is: If it gets too scary turn around and go the other way. Someone like me can make it without any real mountaineering experience. They do end up having to rescue people up here all time who get lost. Near the top we went right when we should have gone left but we could see the top and it wasn't too difficult so we kept going.

The last 500 feet

A view towards the cottonwood canyons

If you go through the saddle instead of going left and up you end up in really bad hiking territory

Someone was nice enough to bring up chairs so you can rest your legs while enjoying the view

Great view of the valley and Kennecott.  As you can see at the top you are basically hiking rock rubble.

Looking down. Don't go up the north side

Found the right trail down from the top

     It is just as painful going down because of the steepness. We really wished we had more time but had to keep going.    Luckily it isn't too far to the nearest convenience store where you can grab a quick Slurpee for a nice inner cool down.  Unfortunately you can't get the muscles taken care of so easily.  Bryan's quads were sore for days.
      Well, I'm glad that is off my bucket list and I don't feel like I ever have to do it again.

Holmes Creek Hike

     This is a tale of why you should do your research before you hike. I read one little post saying they were going to do an easy hike and end up at the bottom of Holmes Creek.  For some reason I thought they were hiking along the creek and I had passed over it many times while doing the BST and thought it would be fun to explore it further.  I talked Bryan into it and we got up early and off we went. We were okay for the first 100 yards.  There is a little dammed up portion that my kids used to visit, a little further looked like we should cross the stream but got over there and didn't really see anything so crossed back, came to a huge rock outcropping next to a very steep slope. Took turns crawling up since the falling rocks were a little hazardous.  We went up quite a ways before deciding this wasn't really a trail but we could see a faint trail on the other side so we went back down to the river crossing, climbed up a scree slope and followed a trail (I guess it was a trail).  Anyway we went on steep slopes, scree slopes, slippery slopes and did find one nice grove of trees.  Managed to usually find the trail after a little searching but the last time Bryan climbed up a scree slope he was gone for awhile.  I called and called but no answer so I started to climb up thinking something has happened to him.  I got a bee sting and started into the string of negative thoughts.
     Last year I got stung by hornets twice -1 week apart- and the second time my whole calf was quite swollen so I started thinking maybe I am really allergic now.  I'm going to die of anaphylaxis, Bryan's had a heart attack, they will find us both dead up here if they ever find us at all on this god-forsaken hillside. Needless to say none of this happened but when I did find Bryan and found out it had taken about an hour to go 1/2 a mile and I was totally miserable I told him we were going home.

Bryan on a part of the trail where you could see Holmes Creek.

A view into the valley

       I still don't know what the start of the creek looks like but I did get a hole in my pants, lots of scratches, a bee sting, sore muscles in my hands from trying to hold on to rocks and branches and a few glimpses of creek which looked like it would be pretty if you could get a little closer.  I feel no need to repeat it although it is always hard not to reach a real ending to your hike.

Update

     When I was telling my sister Lynn about the ups and downs of cancer treatment she said it sounded like playing a game of "Mother May I".   That is it exactly.  You finish up a treatment and think you're ready to go on but when you ask the doc the answer is never yes. They always have questions about something and you need another test.  You can never take a step forward but they always tell you to go sideways or maybe even backwards.
     Last week I actually got all good news.  The MRI came back okay so no more surgery (although I was actually looking forward to maybe getting a little breast lift on the other side and matching again). The oncotype also came back as low so no chemotherapy.  Met with the oncologist on Monday and I am set up for getting going with the radiation oncologist on Friday.  But... both MRI's showed something funny on my liver. I already had an ultrasound and it showed that it wasn't a cyst so...another MRI, for my liver this time, on Thursday.   I wish Bryan could put in my IV.  I only have an easy vein to find on one side and it is getting so scarred.  That is the part I dread the most. Oh, well.  Small price to pay to get well.

Spring Cleaning - NOT!

      I remember telling Bryan a couple of months ago that I needed to do a really thorough spring cleaning this year. Well you know what they say the road to hell is paved with.  Anyway, I am hoping that Mia can help get me motivated.  I have a closet full of cleaning supplies - my good intentions closet.  I should probably start by cleaning that out.  As one Mom said, "On the sliding scale where cleanliness is next to godliness, you'll find me and my good intentions on the opposite end".

Exhaustion

     It was our turn to clean the Holbrook family cabin at Hebgen Lake.  Unfortunately, Bryan didn't have time off and the weather was nasty so we decided we just had to go up and get it done on Memorial Day.  We did it in one day 3 years ago but we had 2 college age boys and Mom and Dad Holbrook were 3 years younger.  This time the kids were all gone (why is it that as soon as they get old enough to really help they leave home?).  We tried to talk Mom and Dad out of coming but Dad is pretty convinced that we can't do it without him.  So they came up to our house after church on Sunday and we drove up together. We pulled out our sleeping bags and slept in the bedrooms that were in the 30's that night or maybe 20's.  It was cold!
      Next morning it was work, work, work: washing windows and screens, moving furniture and vacuuming, getting out all the cobwebs and dead bugs, etc.  Poor Mom got worn out from the trip there and didn't get up until 5 pm. By that time we just had to clean up their bedroom and then wait and clean out their bathroom and then wait and clean up the kitchen and then we were out of there.  It took a couple of hours longer than we thought but it is done.  I am utterly exhausted today.  I really missed my boys who would move furniture and do whatever we needed them to do but I love going up there and knowing that it was really well cleaned this year.  The big question is -How come I never get it done in my own house?

Good Bye Again

     Dan and Lyss and Milah left yesterday on their way to Boston.  I took Milah and Alyssa to the airport while Dan took off in the car.  Alyssa must live right because when we got to the airport there was no line for security. I have never seen that before. Dan called this morning and said he got about 5 hours of sleep last night.  I know he only got about 5 hours the night he was here so I am praying for him. It is about a 15 hour drive from Cheyenne to Chicago.  He is staying at his Uncle Jim's tonight and Jim assured him he could sleep in as late as he wanted since Jim is working at home that day.  I think Dan is looking forward to that. Cheryl and Chris Gray said that they are excited to welcome them to Boston for the summer.  I think they are going to have a great summer but I will miss them here.
     On Sunday they let us enjoy being grandparents and hold cute little Milah.  We took them to stake conference which was a broadcast from Salt Lake for all the Davis County Stakes.  Elder Holland and Pres. Uchtdorf talked.  Elder Holland talked about how we just had General Conference last month and how they do discuss what programs they should be doing and what is most beneficial and they do review if having Conference is "worth" it.  Of course we all think -"YES".  Then he said he wanted us to remember back and think of one change in our life that we had made because of a message we heard in conference.  That was tough.  It was good to hear and challenge myself though.  I do need to decide on some way to improve my life after each conference.
      That evening was the partial eclipse.  They are always cool just to notice the light change around you.  Luckily, Dan and Alyssa were able to make us feel like younger parents again too.  We put together a pinhole box to project the image.  It worked pretty well.

Alyssa viewing the eclipse with Dan, Bry and Milah.

We had 2 pinhole so there are two images.

                                                                          The sad news  for our family is that our dog Bowser has gotten very sick the last little bit.  He is in a lot of pain and can't move well at all.  It is sad to see him.  We actually hope that he doesn't linger too long since he seems so miserable.  

Pathology Report

     The doc just called.  Pretty much all good news.  They didn't see anything in the lymph nodes.  They did get it all.  They did some extended margins trying to get an area that they were concerned with on the MRI and that didn't show anything cancerous just a lot of fibrocystic changes. After the surgery they said they thought it was 3.5 cm but the official report came back 3 cm.  Right on the edge of changing treatment.  What it changes is that they will send it in for oncotype Dx testing. It is kind of a cool thing where they look at genes in your tumor and grade it on how likely it is to return and how well it would respond to chemotherapy.  Lets hope I get the right score and I don't need chemo. Just a little while ago I would have automatically been in the chemo group so every advance is much appreciated. 
     Next step is another MRI at a different time of the month to see what it looks like then and if I need more biopsies.  I sure hope not.  I am rather sick of needles.  I am pretty bruised up. I'm a little too modest to post the actual breast (not to mention that my boys would probably not be able to look me in the face again) but here are my arms on week out:

You don't even get to see the bruise that covers the other side of my hand from the first  IV they tried.  Luckily, 3 IVs did the trick.  Bryan thinks the sore on my upper arm is because they weren't careful and pinned the drapery to my arm. I'm glad I was under anesthesia for that one.

Most Boring Week

     This week has lasted forever and it is only half done.  What is 2 times forever?  Anyway, I guess it's a case of being too sore to do much but not too sick to be thinking of all the things I could be doing. I am feeling better everyday and I think by the end of the week things will mostly be back to normal - minus an inch or 2 of flesh. That's morbid humor. Sorry

     I have been on the computer a lot so I thought I would share a couple of the fun Utah things that are out there.  The first is the Piano Guys station on you tube. The pianist went to Highland (Go Rams!) but he is a little young for my class.  My sister knows him.  I have been to his concert and he is a funny guy.  Here they do some fun mash-ups and often use Utah as a backdrop. 
     The next 2 are done by some guys who take out their little remote controlled airplanes with cameras on them.  It is called cliff surfing and they go to places that would be hard to see otherwise and take some great videos.  It makes me fall in love with Utah even more. Here is one of northern Utah and one of southern - just to keep it even.

     

Good News - Bad News

     So the surgery is done. They had me come in at 8:20 and my surgery didn't actually happen until 2.  They put the IV in at the start so it was rather a long morning sitting there in bed. I did get to spice it up by going to ultrasound and having them thread a wire through the tumor. I also got a couple of shots of technetium 99 so that I was radioactive. Anyway, the surgery went well. The original sections they sent down showed that they did get it all and that the nodes were negative for cancer.  They will do a more intensive look at all of the cells this week but so far that is great news.  I am feeling a little loopy but it isn't too painful.  I can get around, I just can't move my arm too much.  It looks like I will be wearing Bryan's button-up shirts all week. I can't really lift my arms over my head and they have this ace bandage wrapped very tightly around my chest.  So one breast is totally smashed and the other has all this packing on it so it is twice as big as usual.  Needless to say I'm not looking to wear any form-fitting shirts.
     The bad news about the surgery is that the x-ray of the tumor showed that it was 3.5 cm which makes it more likely to need chemo.  They will do this test where they actually can check to see if the genes are likely to respond to chemo or not.  It's kind of amazing that they can tell that now. 
     Also, right before surgery, the radiologists actually looked at my MRI. and thought that they saw more places that they thought might be cancerous and that suggested that maybe I should cancel the surgery and have biopsies done with an MRI machine.  I think the radiologists at Huntsman are doing their fellowship and aren't as good as my Dr. at Davis who already has done his and had a lot of experience so I had my surgery.
     I am not sure this blog makes since but you can call if you want to talk to me.

Hard Things

     So to most of you this wouldn't be hard but I feel like it is an accomplishment. My good friend Diane talked me into going out on the bike this morning.  I am rather a klutz and I was envisioning something like is  in this video:

    Luckily all went well and we biked over 6 miles. Just followed the highway so nothing to extreme except the last bit home - which there is no way to go but up.  We made it and so I am feeling proud of myself.  My quads and behind will feel it tomorrow but I might convince let her talk me into going farther next time. I think I want some more padding though (It looks like I have plenty but it never seems like it when I am on my bike).  Always nice to accomplish something.

The Decision

     Went down to Huntsman Cancer Institute yesterday for a second surgical consult. Dr. Neumayer thought that I was a great candidate for breast conserving surgery (lumpectomy) followed by radiation.  I have scheduled the surgery for Friday, May 11th.  None of my children will be here for Mother's Day so if I am in bed all day it won't really matter.  Although it is an outpatient surgery and they say most of the pain is gone by day 2 or 3 and I can go back to regular exercise in a week so maybe I will be up and at 'em by Sunday.
     I guess I will know when I know and I won't try to have expectations. I am excited to finally have a plan and to get started.

The Alice Syndrome

     I just finished a book titled What Happy People Know.  I really liked it because it backs up with science so much of the stuff that I have already learned through church.  

I won't get into details but basically serving others makes you happy. Not dwelling on problems and weaknesses makes you happy (I call it repentance).  Taking time to think about things you appreciate makes you happy - 2 to 3 times a day is best (I call this prayer). Finding balance in your life between work and family and other fulfilling activities makes you happy. Realize that possessions and money will never make you happy because you will always feel like you need more if that is what you are striving for.

     He talked about time management and "The Alice Syndrome" which he gets from Alice in Wonderland. As he writes:

     Millions of time-obsessed people feel victimized by the Alice Syndrome. In Alice in Wonderland, the Queen of Hearts tells Alice, “My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere, you must run twice as fast as that.”

          The real scarcity these days is a lack of clear, value-based priorities.  We’re programmed to want everything – “I’m not enough! I don’t have enough!” Thus, we stand perpetually at a crossroads, as does Alice, when she asks the Cheshire Cat, “Which road shall I take?” And the cat says, “That depends on where you want to go.” Alice tells him, “I don’t know where I want to go.” And the cat says,   “Well, then, any road will do.”\\

    Right now I don't feel time pressure because I haven't known what treatment will involve so I have said no to everything.  It has felt nice but I do think I need to be doing something to be happy. Now I am at the crossroads. Which road shall I take?  I have the luxury now of taking some time to decide what is important in my life and what I should spend time on.
       Another Silver Lining in my cloud!
      

Family Pictures

     Okay, this photo totally cracks me up.  Cute little Milah looks like she is a little confused with this new world and maybe a little worried. We probably do look pretty strange after all those beautiful spirits she has been around.

Matt with another hairstyle and color

      I spent yesterday trying to decide on 30 pictures to put in a photo collage for our wall.  It is so fun to look at everything but so overwhelming.  We have so many pictures that we never look at (and truthfully a lot of them are not that good) but some are priceless. I definitely have set myself a few goals for this year. I will scan slides. I will get the videos digitalized. I will label and sort pictures.  I think this is about the tenth time I have set these goals but maybe the tenth time is the charm.
     Here are some of the pictures Bryan and I were enjoying last night.

And with that I think it is time to join Milah and get some sleep!

Lucky Friday the Thirteenth

     Oh, Happy Day.  Look at this cute bundle of joy that got delivered. Dan and Alyssa went in to the hospital that morning to try a version (where they try to flip the baby over so it can be delivered head down) but when they did it Milah's heart rate slowed way down so they flipped her back over. The Dr. was then worried that maybe the placenta might have been torn so they recommended a c-section then which is what Dan and Alyssa decided to do. Everything went well.
     It was hard waiting until Dan and Alyssa were ready for visitors (it felt like Christmas morning when you have to wait to see what Santa Claus brought you.) but we got down there that afternoon.

Milah and the proud grandma and grandpa

      I feel a special connection since I was born on a Friday the 13th too.  Mia was born on January the 13th so I am thinking that all of the girls should come on the 13th. It is now the luckiest of days for us.

     Milah was born very healthy at 6 lb. 4 oz. and 18-1/2 inches long.  She is sleeping and nursing a lot just like she should be.  Alyssa seems tired but happy too.  She looks great (see below) but can't use her stomach muscles yet.  They will be keeping her at American Fork hospital until next Monday anyway. Alyssa has Factor V Leiden which means her blood clots a little too easily so they will watch her a little closer and get her on some medications.
 
   What a little miracle a new baby is.

Milah showing off her flexibility but not enjoying the freedom

Milah and the very happy Danny and Alyssa

The Official Report

     I went to my new internal medicine doctor on Monday.  I think I will like her.  She isn't too busy now so she can take the time to listen and explain.  She laughs at my joke which makes me happy (I am too sarcastic for my own good and so many people take me seriously).  I told her about the line in "The Devil wears Prada" where she says "I'm only one stomach flu away from my ideal weight".  I'm changing it to "I'm only one cancer away from my ideal weight" - Cancer has to be good for something, right! She laughed and agreed.
     Tuesday I saw the radiologist.  My official path report is in.  Cancer only in the one area.  Strongly ER+/PR+ which is good because they have medications to shut off those receptors.  Her2 neg. which is good because that is a more aggressive type and only 5% Ki67 which is a good prognosis because it means the cells are dividing slowly. People with a high Ki usually have a poorer prognosis and a higher rate of recurrence. It makes me a lousy candidate for chemo which is something that I am happy about too - as long as they don't find cancer in my lymph nodes. All in all I couldn't ask for more.
    

Happy Days

     It has been such a busy but really a pretty fun week, especially considering. I feel like I am always going to appointments already which keeps me busy.  We went to see a play on Thursday night in Salt Lake (My Mom treated and it made me laugh which felt so good on the day of the diagnosis). My Mom's neighbor, Mrs. Bennett, had been with her daughter and they thought the lead looked exactly like Steve so they said we had to go see it.  The play was Laughingstock.  We didn't think the lead looked like Steve but he did look surprisingly like Peter in profile.
     On Friday we had tickets to the symphony.  They played a Hayden symphony first which was only 9 minutes long.  I had never heard it but they had all the musicians just standing to play which was unusual but I liked it.  They seemed to be enjoying it too. It reminded me of all those Suzuki concerts with all the musicians standing there playing.
     Sunday was Easter and we invited up the family and told Matt he could bring roommates who didn't have a place to go.  We ended up with 23. It was a houseful but the weather was nice so people were outside and it was another great get-together.  Ann and Donny brought up eggs and treated us to an Easter Egg hunt which even my big kids enjoyed.  They didn't find the eggs with the $20 or $10 but they did get some change. It's always fun looking for them and having the thrill of the hunt.
    

The Big C

     Amazing how fast priorities can change in your life. Knowing that you have a probable cancer diagnosis you can quickly decide there are certain things you don't want to bother with and others that you do.  Also, at least at the first, every thing seems so tender. The low is rather low but the joy seems even more joyful. The kids came up from Provo on Sunday to celebrate Matt's birthday it just felt so good to have them there and I had so much fun.
     On Tuesday I had the MRI and from those images the radiologist decided to take biopsies from both breasts and a lymph node. Then he sent me over for a liver ultrasound because something seemed suspicious there. I think I was a little numb but Bryan was pretty depressed about it.I just felt sore and bruised.  Needless to say we were very nervous until Thursday afternoon when we could get the first pathology reports.  Yes it is cancer but in only the original spot.  The other spots were benign. Unfortunately it is a little large so I am probably stage 2 but it is nice to finally know and just to be able to talk about it with others. I need their support.

    Today I called my friend and visiting teacher, Diane, who is so great and promised she would go to treatments and appointments with me and whatever I needed.  Then Nelladet, a survivor, came with this cute little bouquet of flowers and her whole info booklet. It was good to talk to her about it all.  She said I will have a love-hate relationship with pink by the time I am done.

I Love My Friends and Family

     Bryan is very sweet and it seems like we have already grown even closer. The real fun thing is that I just mentioned they had cute shoes in an add and he said "You should go buy them."  I think I might have to take advantage of him for a few months.
     Here is some pics from this weekend:

Bry and Miss

Kasi, Dan (still helping Matt with his candles) and Alyssa

Shower for Milah

      We got together at Trio to have a family shower for Alyssa and Dan and their soon to appear daughter.  It was fun to see everyone and it sure is fun to shop for the new baby.  I put together a diaper cake but I don't have a picture to show.  Sorry.  Anyway, she got a lot of cute stuff.
   Talking of getting together with friends and laughing  here is something random that I read about in Nat. Geographic. In English we us LOL for e-laughing.  In French they use mdr (mort de rire - died of laughter).  In Spanish it is jajaja (ha-ha-ha) which is pretty fun but I think I like the Malaysian better -ha3.
     And here are a couple of quotes that will hopefully bring a smile.  They are by Friedrich Nietzsche.
         

"Without music, life would be a mistake."

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."

My kids would probably say that last one probably describes me a little.