Pam's Marriage List

     My friend Pam is just one of those people who almost always has good advice.  I am not sure what has made her so wise but I visit teach her and she always teaches me more than I teach her.
     When my son was thinking about getting engaged she gave me a list of questions that she came up with for prospective marriage partners to discuss.
      She said this was her short list but it gives you plenty to discuss.  Here goes:

Pre-Marital  – Lets talk about it and everything else!!

PERSONAL EXPECTATIONS

·        What do you expect of a husband/wife as a:

o       Partner

o       Friend

o       Lover

ACTIVITIES

·        What traditions would you like to begin in your marriage?

·        How do you feel about activities with

o       With friends

o       With co workers

o       With extended family

·        Girls day/night out

·        Boys day/night out

·        How do you feel Saturday should be spent if the wife/husband don’t have to work?

·        What are some of the activities that you love to do?

·        How do you feel about vacations?

·        Are vacations without your spouse something that you would like in a marriage?

·        When would separate vacations be okay?

·        What do you feel about a budget for vacations?

RECREATIONAL

·        What do you like to do with your free time?

·        What are activities you would rather not do?

·        How do you feel about your partner doing an activity that you don’t care to do or want to be involved in?

·        How do you feel about a spouse spending multiple weekends in a row doing a specific activity?

·        What do you feel is excessive time on one activity by either the husband or wife?

SPOUSE RELATIONSHIPS

·        What communication do you want or expect during the day? Telephone, text, email?

·        Would it be important to you to have your spouse inform you they will be late, or there is a change of plans? 

·        Respect is vital in a marriage? How do you feel about your spouse putting you down, or making fun of you in front of others even if it is a “just Kidding” remark?

·        How will disagreements or conflicts of any sort be resolved?  Quiet time to think then discuss it together, a ride in the car to talk, bedroom to talk together without interruption or…?

·        If you have a problem with something your spouse did and they have no idea, how should it be handled?

·        If you feel your spouse isn’t doing his/her share of things how should you both work through it?

·        What are forms of affection that you would like your spouse to show you?

·        Is the giving of gifts, words of appreciations/gratitude and other expressions of love something that you would like in your marriage?

·        What do you usually do when you are upset?

·        How do you feel about the silent treatment?

·        What would make you feel secure in a marriage?

·        What concerns do you have going into the marriage about your present relationship?

·        Do you feel there are any issues that are unresolved in your relationship now and will these issues become a problem in your marriage?

·        If you really want to do something and your spouse does not, what compromises can you make?  Example: one couple each had 5 activity credits a year that they could cash in when they really wanted their spouse to be involved in what they did?  How do you feel about that idea?

PRIVACY

·        Do you feel there is anything okay to keep from your spouse?

·        How do you feel about friend relationships with the opposite sex?

·        Will you have a place (drawer, box, ect) that is just yours?

o       Would you feel upset if your spouse went through it?

·        Should your spouse have access to your email accounts?

FAMILY

·        How do you feel about your spouse’s family?

·        What if you do not care to go to a family activity of your spouse, should they go alone or not go?

·        What do you feel about getting advice after you are married from your parents?

·        What if your spouse is constantly putting down your family?

·        What obligations are important to your extended families?

·        What aspects of family time are important to you?  Family home evening, family meals, chores, activities,

·        What do you feel is the best way to spend the holidays with each others families?

·        Are there special times you would like to spend with your family?

·        If two activities are planned at the same time how should it be decided where you both go?

·        How many children would you like?

·        How much time do you think should go by before the wife gets pregnant?

·        If there is trouble with getting pregnant, how do you feel about adoption?

·        What qualities do you feel make a good mother?

·        What qualities do you feel make a good father?

·        Do you feel there should be a parent at home to raise the child?

·        When do you feel they are ready for daycare/preschool?

·        How will you deal with a child with disabilities?

·        Who changes diapers? Take turns?

·        Who cleans up if a child throws up outside of the toilet?

·        Who gets up at night with the children? Take turns?

·        How do you feel about Nursing?

·        What values do you feel are important in raising children?

·        How do you feel children should be disciplined?

·        Is it okay to spank a child?

·        What do you do if you disagree with the way your spouse is handling a situation with a child? Do you bring it up in front of the child? Discuss it later?

·        What sort of rules do you plan on having for your children?

·        What ways are important to you to teach a child the value of money?

·        How do you feel about discussing marital issues in front of your children?

·        How do you feel about harsh works, yelling, swearing, and criticism in the home?

·        How do you want to deal with children who play one parent against the other?

APPEARANCE

·        How will you deal with a spouse gaining weight?

·        How do you feel about the time spent exercising?

·        If your spouse make remarks about your appearance and you don’t like them, how will you deal with it?

·        Do you feel it is okay to tell your spouse how they should look, dress and act?

·        How do you feel about facial hair on a husband?  Beard, side burns, moustache

·        How will you make sure your husband/wife feels like they are the most beautiful person in the world?

·        What do you feel is reasonable in purchasing clothes to look good?

·        How much money should be spent on make up or hair?

·        How important are verbal complements on your appearance to you?

FINANCIAL

·        Are you bringing any credit card debt or unpaid bills into the marriage?

·        Who would you like to pay the bills for your family?

·        How much do you think each husband / wife should spend without the agreement of the other person every month?

·        Will you have a joint checking account or separate accounts?  

·        What amount of money should be saved each pay check?

·        When a household budget is determined what do you think should be included on the budget list?

·        What do you consider frivolous spending?

·        When and what should credit cards be used for?

·        Credit card dept is a like being chained so do you feel it would be wise to only charge what you could pay off at the end of the month?

·        What is considered a major decision financially and who decides it?

·        What is considered a minor decision and who determines the outcome?

·        Home purchasing – decisions to consider

·        Cost of monthly payment/taxes/household budget/ repairs/ yard equipment?

·        How important is health insurance to you? 

·        What is the best way to get health insurance?  Job, budget?

·        How much do you feel should be spent on gifts to each other for:

o       Fun

o       Birthdays

o       Christmas

o       Other misc. holidays and events

·        How do you feel about supporting or giving money to a family member?

·        How do you feel about paying tithing and fast offering?

·        How do you settle a dispute if one spouse disagrees with spending a certain amount of money on an object?

EDUCATION

·        Do you feel it is necessary to have a computer in the home?

·        How do you feel about internet time?

·        How much time is okay for games/surfing the int./ or getting downloads of music on the internet?

·        What do you feel about computers and TV’s in the children’s bedroom?

WORK

·        How do you feel about both the husband and wife working outside the home?

·        What if your job transfers you to another location out of state?

·        How do you feel about your spouse working late or extra hours?

·        How do you feel about leaving your extended family?

·        What are your feelings if your spouse has to work on Sunday?

·        How do you feel about lunches with co-workers?

·        How should days off from work be spent?

·        If your spouse works outside the home, how does that affect the responsibilities they have at home?

INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

·        What are your feelings regarding the physical relationship in marriage?

·        What was taught in your home about the physical aspect of marriage?

·        How will you deal with the differences in the desire for sex?

·        Do you want to be awakened in the middle of the night for sex?

·        Are there any concerns you have about sex?

·        Do you like being kissed in the morning before you brush your teeth?

·        Intimate relationships are very special, how would you feel if your spouse spoke about it with others?

·        How do you feel about discussing your likes and dislikes concerning sex?

·        How can you both deal with and understand the pre and post menstrual changes in hormones that can affect the woman physically and emotionally?

·        When you are finished having children who should have the “procedure” done?

RELIGION

·        How should Sundays be spent?

·        Can your children do things with friends on Sunday?

·        Are children required to go to church?

·        How do you feel about going to the temple?

·        Who is responsible for planning FHE?

·        How do you feel about family prayer and scripture reading?  Who will be responsible for gathering every one together?

·        What do you expect a husband to do to honor his Priesthood?

·        Who is responsible for getting the children up, dressed and to church on time? How do you feel about going to other family baptisms, blessings, etc….

DOMESTIC LIFE

·        Who should be in charge of the condition of the homes exterior?

·        Who will determine any changes in the decor of the home?

·        What items do feel are okay to purchase on a credit card?

·        Is it important to have a spotless home, a lived in look, or a home cleaned only when the husband or wife gets the bug to pick up all the clutter?

·        Who should be responsible for small repairs in the home?

·        What do you expect of your spouse when it comes to taking care of their stuff Clothes, books, work stuff, towels, shoes, etc?

·        What do you feel the husband should do?

·        What do you feel the wife should do?

·        Who do you think should take out the garbage? 

·        How many times is it okay to ask your wife/husband to do something before you do it yourself or get someone else to do it?

Laundry

·        How often should wash be done?  Daily, weekly, as needed?

·        Who should be responsible to get the laundry done? 

·        Wife, husband, or each do their own ironing?  

·        Would you like to do your own wash?

·        Who should be in charge of putting the laundry away?

Yard

·        How do you like a yard to look?

·        Who will be responsible for the lawn care?

·        Who will do the weeding and planting?

Car

·        Should a car be purchased new or used?

·        How much should be saved as a down payment for a car?

·        Who should be responsible for cleaning the cars?

·        Should cars be loaned to others?  Even if they are not on your insurance?

·        How will you handle your husband or wife getting in an auto accident?

·        What do you feel about speeding tickets?

Bathrooms

·        How do you feel about things left out on the counter?

·        Do you think the toilet seat should be left up or down after use?

·        How do you feel about the lid not replaced on the toothpaste?

·        How do you feel about hair on the floor?

Bedroom

·        What is said or done in the bedroom should remain confidential. Do you agree with that statement?

·        What if your husband/wife snores?

·        Do you like to snuggle or be left alone while you sleep?

·        How do you feel about watching TV in the bedroom?

·        What do you feel about clothes not put away and strewn across the room?

·        Who should make the bed?

Kitchen

·        Who do you feel should do the cooking?

·        Do you expect a meal every night?

·        Do you expect the meal to be ready when you get home?

·        Is it important to you to have only healthy food or is it okay to have junk food?

·        Who do you feel should do the grocery shopping?

·        Who should empty the dishwasher?

·        How do you feel about dishes left around the house or in the sink after eating?

·        How often should the refrigerator be cleaned out?

·        Do you feel a spouse should be told to do things?

·        How do you feel about honey do lists?

GARAGE

·        How often should the garage be organized and cleaned?

·        If there is only space for one car, who should get the parking space?

·        Is parking in the garage important for you?

·        How do you feel about the garage being used as a storage shed?

THE FUTURE

·        What goals do you have for the future?

·        What do you expect yourself to be doing in five years?

·        What do you expect your spouse to be doing?

·        Where would you like to be financially?